You Just can't beat Macs

From The Lion's Mouth

I was driving thru the little village of Woodville yesterday after some grandparent cemetary flower pot maintenance and as I drove I spotted something that has been a fixture since I was in Jr. High. The Lion drinking fountain. It used to be located on the main drag but now is located down behind a pine tree in a sort of little park area. I just thought since it wasn't on main street anymore it had gone away. I thought it was cool as a kid. It was placed there by the local Lion's Club. It reminded me of a humorous story I wrote in Fast Food Janitor -The Zine.

Circa 1995 - Carol, one of the front line gals received a phone call from the Jr. High at about 11 PM in the morning, just before the lunch rush was about to start at Hardees. She hung up the phone and was weeping. I asked her what was wrong? She said she had to leave work and go down to the school because her son was in trouble. They were having a Fun Run where the kids were raising money for something and were paid per mile by running a course around the town and it seems that her son had stopped at the Lion drinking fountain and instead of getting a drink of water he decided to PISS in the lion's mouth. Carol was devastated. It floored me and I laughed out loud and tried to console Carol but me guffawing didn't help. It wasn't her kids first day at the rodeo. He was full of trouble and still is from what I read in the police report in the local paper. So the infamously violated lion still is around town but you may want to rethink your thirst level the next time you want a drink.

Bad Album Poetry

Lately I have come across albums with similar bad poetical titles. You would think I wrote them.

O'Deaths: Broken Hymns, Limbs and Skin
Jonas Bros. : Lines, Vines and Trying Times
Elvis Costello: Secret, Profane & Sugarcane

Dirty Candy

Bye Michael: The Upstaging of Farrah

I can barely stand it. Ryan Seacrest on E! Looking like the stylized hard hitting journalist. Like he has been on air for 24 hours straight, no sport coat and hand on hip, sleeves rolled and asking everyone the most irrelevant question.... "Where were you when you heard the news?" Just so you know, Randy Jackson was eating lunch. That Seacrest is such a dope. Poor Farrah is media dust. You were a real good dancer though, Michael.

Bye Farrah

No more wiener roll.

Bye Ed

Guess he won't show up at my door with balloons and a big check. shit.

AMA-FRICKIN-RYLLIS ALREADY!

Brought out the bulbs from the basement, some were budding and low and behold they were a couple of fancy pantses!

Herbage

Garlic - Deflowered

Dill -Striped

COOL!

Not much for sports but this is tricky cool!

From the Flower Bed To the Bedroom

Grooming The Elderly

My info from my latest Youtube.

My mom suggested I go in and help my 88 year old dad with his shaving and remove hair in the ears and the areas he generally misses. I knew there might be yelling so I set up a camera. He is a character. That is all I can say about him. I think he should have been an actor. He has a problem shaving his lower neck, which, when I informed him he was wearing a fur collar, he said, "I never shave that low, that is my chest!" It's his Adam's apple region we are talking about not his chest. Granted I was shaving with an electric razor which can bite when the hair is a half inch long but I was passing the razor as gently as I could over his neck. The following horror ensued. From the sound of it, I could possibly be arrested for parental abuse. Thankfully he was laughing too. He does make me laugh when the simplest tasks can be made out to be the largest of chores in his mind.
After this shaving ordeal took place he was sitting in his barcalounger cleaning thru some little baskets of pens, pencils, toenail clippers, calendars and a myriad of calculators and asked if I could use a little magnetic calendar. He handed it to me and a number of little pieces of paper and whatnot were clipped to it. One being a bookmark that reads "Heartfelt Thanks" with this quote on the bottom, "One of the things I keep learning is that the secret of being happy is doing things for other people." Dick Gregory.
I wonder if Mr. Gregory ever helped his father shave?

It May Be Summer Soon

My favorite smell in the world... Peonies!!! Here are a few other things blooming around the house tonight.

Patched Crack

I entered the parking lot of the local hardware store in town and noticed this artistic patching job of the asphalt right as you enter.  Baldwin isn't known for much but a fake windmill but now we have this! A large vagina, emblazoned on the ground completely sketched out of tar! Nowhere else in the world but here! Come one, come all and see our latest attraction! It is very large, big enough to swallow a sub compact, it can't be missed!

Animal Adventures